RUGator

Listening to the hilarious recounts/speculation surrounding today’s news that Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and tree at 2:30 am this morning, I was reminded of a funny exchange between Abbott and Costello. The one where Bud Abbott is trying to teach Lou Costello how to drive a car. In the skit, Lou (who’s getting more and more frustrated, ala “Who’s on First?”) keeps asking Bud if he should “put it in reverse?” And Bud keeps replying, “Go ahead. GO AHEAD!”

Some of the news announcers I watched discussing the Woods’ incident, seemed to be holding back laughter as they reported on the circumstances (“Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree at 2:30 am this morning. His wife used a golf club to break a window to help free him from the vehicle. He suffered minor injuries…..”

Imagine the yarn being spun right about now.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Or can you?

I got fired today. Was sort of cool.

Awaiting my loop today, Mr. Trump rode by. It IS his course, you know.

So I “pointed” to him. His response?

You got it.

I got “fired” as he pointed right back at me.

I loved it.

I loved it because he always makes time to give the caddies a friendly greeting. And to give us some good-natured teasing too.

Can’t make it up.

1. “On the stage he was natural, simple, affecting. ‘Twas only that when he was off was he acting.” Oliver Goldsmith

2. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.” Mark Twain

3. “My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.” Cathy Ladman

4. “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” Groucho Marx

5. “The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.” Ambrose Bierce

1. Caddies DO talk about the players they caddy for. And it’s usually NOT flattering. We know you’ve “never played this badly,” that you “shot 75 two days ago,” and that you’re going to “take care of us.” We’ve heard and seen most of it by now.

2. Never pick up a discarded towel on the golf course. It’s laying there for a good reason. You don’t want to be “Squeezing the Charmin” on the golf course.

3. Curse words function as every part of speech.

4. We are not discriminating eaters. Wait up to 6 hours BEFORE your loop and see how good road kill looks. If we drink any more energy drinks, eat another energy bar, and or have any more caffeine, we’ll blow up.

5. Powder, cards, socks, and tobacco are staples.

6. Carnival workers and caddies are not too distant cousins.

7. Personification of body parts and bodily functions define our speech patterns.

8. Truth is stranger than fiction in the caddy yard, i.e., the turd in the cup, the caddy who lives in a tree, and finding “lost balls” are all realities.

-We had to pay the State of NJ $15.00 to file a form indicating that my mother-in-law owed no estate tax.

-Is the College World Series ever going to end?

-Heard the story of a caddy who lived in a Banyan tree on the golf course where he worked. He’d put his garbage in a plastic bag which he’d hang from a branch every morning for the grounds crew to dispose of.

-Had a golfer I was caddying for (while he rode in a cart and I carried his bag) tell me that, as a teacher, I had a “racket.”

Just finished reading a biography of Walt Disney called, “Walt Disney, An American Original” by Bob Thomas.

Highly recommended.

Here’s one terrific excerpt (I’m paraphrasing):

Walt Disney was afraid he would die before he was “finished.” A fortune teller once told him he’d die at a young age. Upon making it past the time which he considered an “early death,” he told his long-time secretary (and trusted confidant, Hazel), “I’d hate to die and look down and see this studio in disarray.”

To which she replied, “How do you know you won’t be using a periscope?”

“Smart ass,” said Walt in return.

Eat your heart out, Harvey Korman!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/27/business/27geithner.html?_r=1&hp

Sitting here thinking about some of the nutty things I’ve done over the years in the name of God, country, and Gator football.

Things that all die-hards can probably relate to. Here’s one:

“Came to” in a stranger’s car on an interstate highway traveling AWAY from Auburn, Alabama after Florida had lost to the Tigers/Plainsmen/War Eagle people sometime earlier in the day. Apparently I had spent a bit too much time with my friend, James Beam during the game (nothing like the orange and blue pom-poms waving in tandem in and around Jordan-Hare while your head spins). So, I asked my “escort” to let me out and I began to walk back “towards” campus (like I knew where I was headed!), dressed only in cut-off orange sweats (no shirt) and a plastic orange gator head. No money, pre-cell phone, and no identification.

The sun is setting on the plains of eastern Alabama and I’m on some back country road when I happen upon “The Peanut Butter Disco Club,” a run-down shack-like edifice with old school R&B blasting through the air. Walking in, I’m the only white guy forever. Of course, I ask to use the phone (ala Otis Day and the Nights from Animal House). The whole place stops, I mean, dead stops, and everyone looks at me like I just stole something. “No” is the polite yet very firm response. I scurry back out to the road and begin to cry, literally. No cars in sight, no sounds in sight.

Finally, a car approaches, a station wagon (remember those?) I stand in the middle of the road waving this “mo fo” of a plastic gator head (good move in Auburn territory) back in forth through the air. The theme song from Deliverance kicks in as the car stops. A kindly man and his family pick me up and drive me back to the Auburn campus where my fraternity brothers await with the police whom they had called, having just recently filed a missing person’s report on my behalf.

No problem.

The party hadn’t even started yet.

Contrary to popular belief, golf is a “city” game.

Off the tee:

Slice city, hook city, shank city, sky city, skull city, thin city, fat city, crushed city, striped city, piped city, bomb city, cut city, fade city, draw city, fast city, quick city, push city, over the top city, pull city, o-b city, spanked city, and even whiff city. All of these towns are heavily populated.

In the fairway:

Chunk city, chili dip city, fat city, thin city, blade city, worm burner city, screamer city, bone city, t-bone city, missed it city, fan job city, short city, bunker city, fried egg city, flew it city, stuck it city, pured city, plug city, get there city, divot city, and yank city.

On the green:

Sally city, pulled city, left it out city, lip city, bomb city, drain city, stubbed it city, inside out city, drop city, short city, blew it by city, horseshoe city, ring around the rosy city, back door city, side door city, go to your room city, go city, and slick city.

Where are all these cows I keep hearing about. And when are they coming home?

Who let them out in the first place?

And what’s gonna happen when they finally do come home?

If they’re smart, they’ll stay out there.